If there's one thing I learnt in secondary school, is that you should always live in the moment.
Tomorrow may never come, and you've wasted your life staring at a text book, when you could have been living the things you should have been learning.
I'm not saying to not study, I mean I studied a lot, but I knew I couldn't live my life stuck in a world trapped between pages of a math book. I would rather go out in to the world, see people living, commuting to work, falling in love or feeling pain.
I had a best friend of 12 years, and believe it or not, but I loved her more than I loved myself. I still believe she is my soul sister and that we were meant to be there for one another.
She died a year ago, she killed herself. But this isn't going to be a sad post about depression, as although it broke me to lose her, I remember all the good things about her, for example the things that last year of her life taught me.
Her name was Alice, she was a beautiful girl with the height of 5'9, something she was very proud of. She excelled in school, in fact she spent about 5 years of her life studying non stop! It was a hassle for me to drag her out to shop with me! Aha, we used to have study dates and I'd end up convincing her bake sugary goods instead!
But after she came top of our school for GCSE, she had nothing to study for, she realised most of that knowledge was now of no use to her... She didn't know who she was, what she wanted out of life and how to get there.
All that time she spent studying, she could have been living. Meeting people, falling inlove and appreciating the beauty around us. She told me once that she felt as if she didn't deserve happiness, that she thought she was put on this earth to be miserable, that she was the opposite of me. That some people were born to be happy and others were not. I told her, that I didn't believe that, that someone with such a beautiful smile and soul, deserved to be happy. I vowed to protect her. I knew I would do anything for her.
From that moment on, she spent the whole last two whole years of her life well...living, atleast, she was living it by her own choice.
Sure some would argue that she lost her way, but at least she found a way to be happy, to find out who she was and what she wanted! She no longer bore the burden of expectation and finally found that your own happiness needed to come first. Of course that didn't last, but atleast I know that she was happy at some point, that she didn't waste her life.
A week after I got the call about Alice, I started to actually think.
I was so happy, that I was able to spend such a huge chunk of my life with her, that she was with me. That she chose me to be best friends with, she actually chose to stay and befriend the over enthusiastic weirdo that is me. That the time we did spend together actually meant so much to me, I was glad to feel the pain, because that showed how much I loved her. I was living life, I lived with her. I wasn't some drone with no emotion, I connected.
I can't live in yesterday or that would be the end of me, what I could have done, what I should have said. I can't live in the future or I'll neglect the present, and potentially miss a chance to experience something wonderful.
If you live and appreciate the day you live in, when you finally get to the other side , I think you'll go in peace, you weren't muling over yesterday, and you didn't miss life in hopes of tomorrow.
Alice may not be here in present, but she's in my heart. If I lived for the moment, I can experience the world. I make a difference. I can live for her, and when I do make my grand exit in like 10000 years time, I can greet her and say "hey, look at everything we've accomplished. We did that, together." And I can go, knowing I had a fucking great life. A life where I knew who I was, where I did something with the time I had. That I went with no regrets.
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