Confessions of a Loser In Love pt 2

"And You'll Never Know Love.... And I feel sorry for you!"
-Harry Potter to Lord Voldemort.

Hey little love bugs,
So today I decided I would give you guys an update on my love life.
One of my most popular blog posts was "Confessions of a loser in love", here I talked to you guys about my shamefully full yet empty history.
But these stories were all from before I went to university.
I would consider my love life before uni pretty non-existent. It was full of what if's and me running away from guys, from my own feelings and most of all, running away from growing up, aka responsibility.
But since going to university my love life actually blossomed really quickly. Too quickly if I'm being honest.
The Mistake

I left for University in late September, leaving behind a guy I liked. We had met over summer, and well we had bonded. To be honest it probably was the worry starting to set in that I was going in to university blind to love without any experience, that made me like him. He wasn't my type at all, but all my girl friends had been in relationships, I had started to worry that I had rested in my comfort zone for too long, that I needed to grow a pair and push myself to be in a relationship and well, mature up. I wasn't ready for anything that would happen next.
We were talking every day, and well I started to think that this was alright, I became very comfortable around him, he made me smile and he paid me lots of attention. I come back home for 4 days and he asks me out. I say yes. He tells me that this was our street light.
A few days later we're fighting. He says all the wrong things, by the way we are, you wouldn't think that we had only just started dating. When you start dating, you're supposed to be in the honeymoon stage, all lovey dovey. But here we were, him accusing me of cheating on him with my bestfriend at the time. He had spoken to his female best friend and she, not knowing who I was or what I was like, said she doesn't trust me, that she knew my type. She told him I was seeing another guy behind his back. I know ridiculous right? She'd never even met me, spoken a word to me, or even knew what I looked like. But straight away she knew who I was because she knows my type. The shallow girly girl type who only thought of how we looked.
He knew I wasn't happy, so he invited himself down to my university to stay for 5 days. In those 5 days I knew he wasn't the right guy for me. He embarrassed me, refused to meet any of my friends. acted like a child. The guy that I liked wasn't the guy I thought he was. Relationship over in a week and a half.

When you're a girl like me, you watch all these movies on love, heck I was raised on Chick flicks. I never expected love to be like the movies. But I didn't expect it to be this much of an anti climax. I never expected my first relationship to be so shit, to last a week and a half. To be honest when I get in my next proper relationship I will call that my first relationship. I always expected to be with that guy for atleast a year, I expected to cry when it was over. I expected to miss it. I expected to stay friends with the guy. But nothing works out like how you imagine it will. A guy who you think is harmless, that would never intentionally say anything to hurt you, to then tell everyone you're a slut who cheated. To try to ruin your image. I've blocked him from my life now, no more insulting messages that fuck with your day, no more ignorant phone conversations where he simply mocks you, and no more chances to be friends.

The Beginning of the End

Next up, if you're familiar with my blog you'll know all about.
He was a really good friend of mine, he was sweet and caring and I went to him about almost everything. In fact I was in his room everyday. We were extremely close. But one day, we were just lying in my bed chatting and we kissed. And that was the beginning of the end.
Suddenly we had no idea who we were to each other, friends, but more than friends. We liked each other, but didn't know each other well enough. Stress, tears and miscommunication followed.
We continued, not understanding each others signs. Clinging on to the thoughts and feelings.
But even they're not enough.
People got involved. I cried.
He was probably my first heartbreak. Well in a romantic sense,
He was a good first one though, a lot of tears, there were a lot of feelings on my behalf.
But we agreed we were better at being friends, less messy. So that's what we'd be.
But that didn't work out either, People naturally took sides, and he didn't like it, he started to live in isolation. I worried, he blamed me. I tried to help, it didn't work. Our friendship just fizzled out, we had this one blitz of a phone call with him throwing accusations about me hosting events and telling everyone to exclude them, me shouting and crying back that I never did such a thing. That was the last time we spoke for 3 months.
Then out of the blue we spoke at the beginning of last term. I never imagined I'd ever speak to him again, yet there we were, in his room laughing like first term again, he told me he's never got back in touch with someone after they fell out. I was his first haha.
We were friends again, it was kinda hard and confusing because his best friend and I don't get along, she just doesn't like me for no reason and I couldn't be bothered with that. So he was very much stuck in between the two of us.
But then we started furthering apart again, we became very close very suddenly, and she (the bff) didn't like that, she would scream and shout at him for hanging out with me, and then everything we did had to become secretive, I was pushed aside, and I wasn't happy, I couldn't post pictures of him on snap chat, because apparently she stalks mine, he would come around, and if she found out he would have to leave, we could only hang out on weekends when she wasn't around. I felt small, and stupid, and insignificant. I felt like he thought I would always be around and I wasn't as important as her. So I decided to be done with him. Not for any hateful reason, or ending it in any nasty way, but rather I couldn't be bothered to compete for his attention, because to be real I will never achieve that. I have a lot of friends, they only have each other, I'm not going to steal her only friend.
He still very much means a lot to me, but that's because he understands me in a lot of ways most people don't. He looked after me in my times of weakness, like when I was vomiting blood or everytime I caught a cold, I will always be grateful to him for that.

I don't know why I called this guy my "Beginning of the end", It just feels right, he was the first of my heartbreaks. Because our friendship was doomed from the get go? I don't know.
But I will always love you in a platonic way, its just I'm mature enough to know we can't be friends. We're toxic.

The Pest

If you google image search that, the film cover is almost identical to the guy I'm about to divulge in, The hair, the overeager smile, heck even the sun glasses!
This guy however was sweet, at first he seemed wonderful, I needed a nice guy. When I met him I was still sad about the guy above, he let me forget about him.
However, you know those people who never get the hint? This was all those guys/girls combined into one single body. Seriously, it would be 4am and he wouldn't leave. I would be pushing him out of the door, and slam it shut and he'd just knock again. seriously?
He had this loud booming laugh that he would let bellow about at 4am that would wake up my neighbours.
His shoes would clunk noisily to the floor like worker boots every time he hoped for a little action.
I was mortified.

His hair, how I tried to tell him nicely, but to no avail, he out rightly refused to change his 90's do.
Sooner than later, his nice guy act was beginning to bug me, he wouldn't leave, he inundated me with texts, and Lisa doesn't really do communication. I rather face to face, he demanded entry into my room every day, if I didn't let him in, then he would buzz my neighbour to let him up and then 5 minutes later be at my door.
I had an exam the next day, so I told him specifically in these words "I'm having a hibernation day, so don't come and see me, or bother texting or anything." what does he do, he buzzes my door 4 times during the night, 4 hours straight, once on the hour every hour, calls and texts me to let him up and that I "can't actually be serious". Well I was seriously getting sick of his shit.
It was a term long of clinginess, When I finally told him what I really thought and we called it a day, I was so relived (fun fact- that was also the day I became friends with "the beginning of the end" again). He now has a girlfriend, so the both of us got our happiness.

Hope

I cant speak to much about this one as nothing has happened yet, maybe nothing will. But I found this guy, he's my hope. I really like him, he's just so mellow, so chill and he knows me and gets what I'm like, and he accepts me for that, he deals with all my crap and whining, and doesn't storm off or start an argument with me because of it. I actually want to text him and I take the time to reply to his messages.He's so sweet and endearing, he loves Dennis and he strokes my head and holds my hand.
Hope.
I bloody hope he doesn't see this.

Thai New Year, Thai-red Lisa

Hey cherry blossoms 

So yesterday was Thai New Year, so for any of you fellow Thai's, happy New Years! I wish you all the happiness and love in the world❤️

My mother and I decided a trip to the temple up Wimbledon would be a good place to celebrate, the last time we went was about 4 years ago, and all I remembered was food, praying, more food and watching my cousin come 2nd in the miss Thai SongKran paegant. I remembered having a good but tiring day. So I decided I would come home for the weekend to celebrate again with my family. 

What I did not anticipate was me being so hungover on the Saturday morning that I woke up at 7:30, and continued to severely vomit until 1pm. Lisa has taken a vow of no alcohol until the end of term- unless there is piña colada being offered.

But back to the festival! 

It was amazing, I was blessed by several monks, there were people of all ethnicities attending, but I felt suddenly a wave of nostalgia being surrounded by all the thai's screaming loudly, welcoming you in to their group when you don't even know them. When you're Thai, there is very much a sense of community, you may have just met someone for the first time, but she is now known as aunty!

To be completely honest with you, I used to be extremely conscious being half Thai, I was embarrassed by the culture, the crude language and loud brass tones. Think what you may, but not all Thais are sweet and elegant in long sarongs and perfect hair. I was brought up in a community where children ran havoc, they got whatever they wanted. The complete opposite of my father, I was stuck in two completely different communities, not really understanding either. The loud over friendly Thai folk, or the reserved distinguished Brits.

 About 50 of us would crowd around in parks and restaurants loudly chatting away not really giving a damn, I remember being so embarrassed when people couldn't understand my mother, "aunts" and "uncles", having to speak on their behalf. Turning red in the face when I heard racist remarks against my kind mother who tried her hardest at english and who never had a cruel thought.

It wasn't until much later, at about 16 did I finally appreciate both cultures and all their messes. Having to give hard stares and telling people where to shove it when I heard a word against my mother. It gave me a thick skin, which I guess will help in my future as a journo.

Yesterday gave me a whole day to fully appreciate the Thai community, people who had met me once gave me such big and kind hugs, chittering away about my sex life and university. I laughed a lot, seeing one particular aunt who I had last seen screaming "tecquila!" Jumping around with all the little Thai kids.

I sat and watched the little kids dance around on stage as people handed them lots of ribbons congratulating them on their confidence. Ooooohinh and ahhhhigng at every small talent. It was beyond cute

It was a beautiful day that made you appreciate being part of a multicultured society, next to me whilst watching the show, was this big German dude, on the way to the temple a Australian guy on his way to meet his friends at the festival, helped my mother and me get on the right bus! 

I love being half Thai, it gives me the best of both worlds, wherever I am I have family, literally. My family is so spread out across the globe. 

On another note, whilst praying to Buddha I realised, I want to rid myself of all the hate that is bottled up in me. I don't hate much but when I do, it's pretty extreme. So I decided why put myself through all this? Isn't it better to love? So this year I will try to better myself in love. When someone pisses me off I will feel it, but I will no longer hold the grudge. It's going to be tough but I believe it's the right thing to do.

Also next year I will be trying to compete in the miss paegant! I'm so excited!

But for now, Enjoy these pictures of my day:

How to ruin your image, a true story by Lisa Collins

Hey pineapples

So today I decided to blog about my night, so today was the first "party day" back at bucks. Everything was going swell, I looked good, my makeup was on point! I was wearing a cute dress and I was feeling great! 

Then I spoke to HIM again, he had become really confusing. We were mates, that's it. Then he texts everyday through break and well makes me confused with what's happening between us. 

I came back yesterday, completely alone and well I felt like crap. I had had the best time back home in Barnet, I was with my friends and I was happy. But I was so excited to go back and see everyone here in Buckingham. But when I came back I was so lonely, the people I believed to be my closest friends here didn't even try to be with me and well I ended up crying to Zoe for about half an hour. But everything was sorted out the next day.

Now as promised, here is how to have a shit time. 

I was pretty. I was happy. I was living my happy chirpy life. Then he wanders in, acting like how he use to, again my emotions are in haywire, he doesn't like me, why is he doing this?! I will admit here, I still like him. As much as I try to hate him, I just can't. And I'm so sorry to all my friends who know better. 

We act like how we use to, why did I let him lead me on? Later on people ask me what's happening and why we're acting like so. How can I tell them I'm the worlds biggest idiot? How can I tell them that after they gave me such precious and good advice I'm still stuck in the same dilemma . 

He tells me he wants to be friends, so do I. But at the same time I'm so tired of him. I don't know where I stand with him anymore, what to do, how to behave. Tell me what to do. I'm only young, and this is my first heartbreak.

He sends a message to my ex "I prefer him over you." Why, why would you lead me on like that. Like I have a chance. 

I end up crying from 10pm to midnight, until my friends finally take me home since I've gathered quite a crowd,

All gossiping about how he's a dick. He's not, he's great, it's not his fault I like him so. Okay so he lead me on a little, but don't all guys to a certain extent? 

My image had always been sweet cute kind Lisa. Now I feel as if everyone pities me, poor heartbroken Lisa, so innocent, so vulnerable. It's true I suppose, still makes me a pity party.

So there's my new image, to freshers I'mthat  girl crying in the corner who looks as if she's been dumped. To my friends, I'm sweet Lisa who has been played. To everyone else in UOB that's knows of me, I'm Lisa, the broken girl. Great. Image gone. 

Well everyone has their first heartbreak, and as much as I try to deny it. I've had mine. Fuck love. Just fuck it. 

I'll probably regret this post in the morning. But another title for this post could be " confessions of an idiot desperate for love."

What worse is that everybody I care about leaves me, my best friend left me and went to the kingdom in the sky, my friends from school have all moved on, and now so has he. He tired of me. And I'm stuck. Left behind again. Who else is left to leave me... Sorry I'm feeling sorry for myself... Ignore me haha

Good night people, hope you have better luck finding love than me.