Confessions of a Loser In Love pt 2

"And You'll Never Know Love.... And I feel sorry for you!"
-Harry Potter to Lord Voldemort.

Hey little love bugs,
So today I decided I would give you guys an update on my love life.
One of my most popular blog posts was "Confessions of a loser in love", here I talked to you guys about my shamefully full yet empty history.
But these stories were all from before I went to university.
I would consider my love life before uni pretty non-existent. It was full of what if's and me running away from guys, from my own feelings and most of all, running away from growing up, aka responsibility.
But since going to university my love life actually blossomed really quickly. Too quickly if I'm being honest.
The Mistake

I left for University in late September, leaving behind a guy I liked. We had met over summer, and well we had bonded. To be honest it probably was the worry starting to set in that I was going in to university blind to love without any experience, that made me like him. He wasn't my type at all, but all my girl friends had been in relationships, I had started to worry that I had rested in my comfort zone for too long, that I needed to grow a pair and push myself to be in a relationship and well, mature up. I wasn't ready for anything that would happen next.
We were talking every day, and well I started to think that this was alright, I became very comfortable around him, he made me smile and he paid me lots of attention. I come back home for 4 days and he asks me out. I say yes. He tells me that this was our street light.
A few days later we're fighting. He says all the wrong things, by the way we are, you wouldn't think that we had only just started dating. When you start dating, you're supposed to be in the honeymoon stage, all lovey dovey. But here we were, him accusing me of cheating on him with my bestfriend at the time. He had spoken to his female best friend and she, not knowing who I was or what I was like, said she doesn't trust me, that she knew my type. She told him I was seeing another guy behind his back. I know ridiculous right? She'd never even met me, spoken a word to me, or even knew what I looked like. But straight away she knew who I was because she knows my type. The shallow girly girl type who only thought of how we looked.
He knew I wasn't happy, so he invited himself down to my university to stay for 5 days. In those 5 days I knew he wasn't the right guy for me. He embarrassed me, refused to meet any of my friends. acted like a child. The guy that I liked wasn't the guy I thought he was. Relationship over in a week and a half.

When you're a girl like me, you watch all these movies on love, heck I was raised on Chick flicks. I never expected love to be like the movies. But I didn't expect it to be this much of an anti climax. I never expected my first relationship to be so shit, to last a week and a half. To be honest when I get in my next proper relationship I will call that my first relationship. I always expected to be with that guy for atleast a year, I expected to cry when it was over. I expected to miss it. I expected to stay friends with the guy. But nothing works out like how you imagine it will. A guy who you think is harmless, that would never intentionally say anything to hurt you, to then tell everyone you're a slut who cheated. To try to ruin your image. I've blocked him from my life now, no more insulting messages that fuck with your day, no more ignorant phone conversations where he simply mocks you, and no more chances to be friends.

The Beginning of the End

Next up, if you're familiar with my blog you'll know all about.
He was a really good friend of mine, he was sweet and caring and I went to him about almost everything. In fact I was in his room everyday. We were extremely close. But one day, we were just lying in my bed chatting and we kissed. And that was the beginning of the end.
Suddenly we had no idea who we were to each other, friends, but more than friends. We liked each other, but didn't know each other well enough. Stress, tears and miscommunication followed.
We continued, not understanding each others signs. Clinging on to the thoughts and feelings.
But even they're not enough.
People got involved. I cried.
He was probably my first heartbreak. Well in a romantic sense,
He was a good first one though, a lot of tears, there were a lot of feelings on my behalf.
But we agreed we were better at being friends, less messy. So that's what we'd be.
But that didn't work out either, People naturally took sides, and he didn't like it, he started to live in isolation. I worried, he blamed me. I tried to help, it didn't work. Our friendship just fizzled out, we had this one blitz of a phone call with him throwing accusations about me hosting events and telling everyone to exclude them, me shouting and crying back that I never did such a thing. That was the last time we spoke for 3 months.
Then out of the blue we spoke at the beginning of last term. I never imagined I'd ever speak to him again, yet there we were, in his room laughing like first term again, he told me he's never got back in touch with someone after they fell out. I was his first haha.
We were friends again, it was kinda hard and confusing because his best friend and I don't get along, she just doesn't like me for no reason and I couldn't be bothered with that. So he was very much stuck in between the two of us.
But then we started furthering apart again, we became very close very suddenly, and she (the bff) didn't like that, she would scream and shout at him for hanging out with me, and then everything we did had to become secretive, I was pushed aside, and I wasn't happy, I couldn't post pictures of him on snap chat, because apparently she stalks mine, he would come around, and if she found out he would have to leave, we could only hang out on weekends when she wasn't around. I felt small, and stupid, and insignificant. I felt like he thought I would always be around and I wasn't as important as her. So I decided to be done with him. Not for any hateful reason, or ending it in any nasty way, but rather I couldn't be bothered to compete for his attention, because to be real I will never achieve that. I have a lot of friends, they only have each other, I'm not going to steal her only friend.
He still very much means a lot to me, but that's because he understands me in a lot of ways most people don't. He looked after me in my times of weakness, like when I was vomiting blood or everytime I caught a cold, I will always be grateful to him for that.

I don't know why I called this guy my "Beginning of the end", It just feels right, he was the first of my heartbreaks. Because our friendship was doomed from the get go? I don't know.
But I will always love you in a platonic way, its just I'm mature enough to know we can't be friends. We're toxic.

The Pest

If you google image search that, the film cover is almost identical to the guy I'm about to divulge in, The hair, the overeager smile, heck even the sun glasses!
This guy however was sweet, at first he seemed wonderful, I needed a nice guy. When I met him I was still sad about the guy above, he let me forget about him.
However, you know those people who never get the hint? This was all those guys/girls combined into one single body. Seriously, it would be 4am and he wouldn't leave. I would be pushing him out of the door, and slam it shut and he'd just knock again. seriously?
He had this loud booming laugh that he would let bellow about at 4am that would wake up my neighbours.
His shoes would clunk noisily to the floor like worker boots every time he hoped for a little action.
I was mortified.

His hair, how I tried to tell him nicely, but to no avail, he out rightly refused to change his 90's do.
Sooner than later, his nice guy act was beginning to bug me, he wouldn't leave, he inundated me with texts, and Lisa doesn't really do communication. I rather face to face, he demanded entry into my room every day, if I didn't let him in, then he would buzz my neighbour to let him up and then 5 minutes later be at my door.
I had an exam the next day, so I told him specifically in these words "I'm having a hibernation day, so don't come and see me, or bother texting or anything." what does he do, he buzzes my door 4 times during the night, 4 hours straight, once on the hour every hour, calls and texts me to let him up and that I "can't actually be serious". Well I was seriously getting sick of his shit.
It was a term long of clinginess, When I finally told him what I really thought and we called it a day, I was so relived (fun fact- that was also the day I became friends with "the beginning of the end" again). He now has a girlfriend, so the both of us got our happiness.

Hope

I cant speak to much about this one as nothing has happened yet, maybe nothing will. But I found this guy, he's my hope. I really like him, he's just so mellow, so chill and he knows me and gets what I'm like, and he accepts me for that, he deals with all my crap and whining, and doesn't storm off or start an argument with me because of it. I actually want to text him and I take the time to reply to his messages.He's so sweet and endearing, he loves Dennis and he strokes my head and holds my hand.
Hope.
I bloody hope he doesn't see this.

Hairway To Heaven

So Sugar's
I realise I've been getting pretty deep recently, what with all that religion talk, and Alice Alarms.
So I decided I would talk about something quite light hearted, Hair!
I've had quite a few hairstyles, my mother and I love hair dye. For me, there's not much that can top going to the hairdressers (Hobs) and sitting in the chair for 3 hours gossiping with your hairdresser.

I suppose for me it all started when I was a child, my parents and I were on vacay in Thailand, we were in Pattiya and my uncles and aunty were joining us later on, my father went to pick them up from the airport and mummy and I had originally planned on going to the beach. But she decided we would get a haircut, she had realised that by the time we would get home in England I would be going back to school the next day, leaving no time for the normal termly do!
She took me in the shiny and polished studio, where Thai women smiled brightly and offered me my favourite drink (Nam Dang) It was there the book caught my eye, small locks of hair in almost every colour you could desire, my mum saw me staring longingly. "Oh no... your father won't be happy with this at all." But I whined and charmed her into letting me get Hi-lights, semi permanent. just for the holiday! My fathers look on his face was priceless. But every since those honey hi-lights were placed ever so gently in my hair. I never looked back.

Of course mummy loved it, joint hair sessions in the salon, hi-lights were a regular thing, that my daddy allowed. 13 now, I was going through my scene little vampire stage, influenced heavily by "Young Dracula" on CBBC, it was a hard time for my parents, their usually girly little princess wearing all black and trying to lighten her skin so it would look as translucent as a vampires, dark kholh lined my eyes sloppily.

Red hair. I wanted Red hair, a quote by P.G Wodehouse said "Red hair. Red hair is very dangerous". I told my mum, the look on her face, but she caved never the less when she saw the rancid self dye I had done to myself. Yeah I went to boots, picked up a packet of live colour dye, and plunged it on my head. It was horrid, mixed with the hi-lights and the dark brown of my natural hair. Mum booked an appointment at Regis immediately. They toned it down, it looked like a reddy brown, mother and I both compromised.

6 months later I didn't like the red, so I dyed my hair brown again, I was still trying to look scene at this point, so my mother slyly suggested we do home jobs for these dyes. I wanted blue hi lights, But they washed out, again more red hi lights, washed out. Purple but yet again it all washed out. I grew frustrated, damn these crazy colours. I stopped bothering. It wasn't until much later my mum when I was back to my girly self, confessed to buying wash out colours to make me believe they were a waste of time.

A year down the line, turning 15, the red from my previous is slightly visible in the ends of my hair from where the colour was originally as hair grows. I was fed up, perhaps it was dip dye before it became fashionable, but I hated it, My mother hated it. But one Christmas, we had our family friends round and we were playing games. I don't know how I got given a gold wig, but as soon as I put it on, my mothers eyes lit up "Blonde would suit you" she says out loud, immediately all the other Thai ladies jump in, throwing compliments. I knew blonde would be the next route for me.

Within a week I was at Regis, Laura my hairdress was constantly being promoted, I told her I was to be blonde, she warned me how long the process would be. What I didn't anticipate was 3 years of dying and bleaching my hair every 3 months. My hair was fucked, really damaged, but I loved it. I loved being blonde. I explored all the blonde spectrum, heck at the very beginning I was so ginger I looked like a part of the Weasley family. It went all the way to the very brightest platinum.
But re-doing roots and touching up the colour every 3 months is extremely expensive. Back when I was fully blonde, I used to spend 5-6 hours at the salon. It would cost my mum a £300 a go! Laura became more and more pro, she moved to , she's now at the top of her game, I believe it was Joan Crawford who said “I think that the most important thing a woman can have- next to talent, of course- is her hairdresser.”. We continued to go to Laura and blonde me up until she said one day  "this is the last time we're going to bleach this hair. You have naturally very strong and thick hair, most hair wouldn't be able to handle this much bleaching. But its time to stop"


I felt a part of my soul crying. It's true when they say blondes have more fun, So I went back to brown, of course with golden hi lights. Everyone loved the change. oh wow the natural look looks great on you. yeah yeah yeah natural smatural. If I liked the natural look I wouldn't have dyed my hair in the first place. I sat mummy down for a talk, I didn't want this hair, theres nothing wrong with it, but it wasn't my style, I like light coloured hair. Something bright. I don't know why, but I love blonde hair. Even in guys, My type is usually blonde! Its the way the sun hits the hair and it looks so angelic. Dark hair made me look pale, blonde hair made me look tanned. She agreed my hair needed more pazazz. We couldnt go back to all blonde, but what would I do?
My father was all tantrum-y, "No No No" I remember him whining "your natural hair colour is lovely, why do you want to keep damaging your hair." I shrugged him, sometimes dads just don't get it.
3 Months later I'm back in the chair with Laura, I tell her my problem, she looks me up and down "theres this trend coming out soon, it's called Ombre, dark to light, how about light brown to blonde for you?"
2-3 years later, I'm still rocking the ombre, In winter I tone it down to different shades of brown, in summer my ends go extremely light. For a while I used to have a toner in of Pink so it was brown to pink, which would eventually wash out into brown to blonde.
I have found my look. But who knows, as I mature and become even more adult like (yikes!) maybe it will change. But for now I have my style. Long hair, don't care, Ombre forever.