Recently I blogged about how I was feeling one night, and I'll be completely honest with you, I wrote that blog after a drunken Friday night where I was hurt and confused. I was led to believe a story about a dear friend of mine, one that turned out not to be true, but at the time he was too drunk to talk to, and my friends around me were up in arms.
I don't know if I should be blogging about this, originally I wasn't going to, as I felt this was too personal, but the friend who the post was on read my blog recently, after we had patched things up, and I suppose I want to write this up so he knows that I don't feel like that anymore.So he can stop feeling guilty.
I'll just come out with it, its quite embarrassing for me, as I've never had this happen to me before, but I suppose its all a learning experience. Okay, so I was I don't know what you'd call it, kinda seeing someone, not dating but like I don't even know, we started as good friends and we got on really well, so I guess we both knew we cared for one another and wondered if it could be more. Hmm, it wasn't working out, I knew it, he knew it, but we were both stuck, me because I liked this guy, he made me feel good about myself, I was comfortable around him and I really did trust him. I liked how he brought me hot chocolate when i was working late in the studio, and when he put X's on the end of a text it made me all giddy, because he'd use them only when he thought it was right, so they actually meant something.
But I guess I always knew our personalities clashed, its true when i said all my friends warned me, they all used the exact same ice-cream reference of vanilla and bubblegum. I was laid back with arguments, I didn't really see them as a big deal, well I don't even classify what we had as arguments, but he did, he saw them as a big deal, really I was just throwing a strop for attention, but he never got that. I knew, that we would have trouble working since he didn't know how to handle that situation, I do that all the time, with my friends, family and even lecturers and teachers! I spoke to Philip about it, saying how confused I was about everything, that I didn't know where things were heading. So I always knew things would be difficult with him, but I suppose I was more prepared for that, as with a personality like mine, I tend to clash with people a lot, like not negatively as I get on with most people, but I'm just never completely compatible with someone.I'm just open with my opinions, I say whatever is on my mind, always bubbly and bright.
One night we decided as a group we would go down to the bar for a bit of pre-exam relaxing, I was with my friends and we were laughing about well a certain mythological country we had come up with, when he turns up completely smashed, it was a funny state to watch, except one of our other friends then takes me to the toilet and basically states my fear, I leave the toilets in tears and tell Philip,everyone eventually finds out. Everyone except him. I ended up consoling myself with chocolate, wine and a blog post, which is this post here: All Them Feels, Philip doing the same here:Tea and Sympathy . I ended up talking about it the next day with him where he told me, what I heard the day before was far from the truth and she must have confused things, we agreed to go back to being friends, it made everything easier.
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So, to the guy in question. I reckon that blog post made you feel pretty damn shit, I hope it did, because you made me feel real shit that night. But now, I want you to forget about it, we're good as friends, heck I am officially using the term BFF. A lot worse has happened in my life, and in fact I'm feeling a lot more self assured now I know where we are. You'll always be special to me, but don't feel awkward after reading that post, I don't want your pity, nothing works out perfectly in life, I care about you a lot, it'd make me incredibly sad if we lost contact. I'll admit I'm confused as to how to act around you, we facetimed tonight, but I was a bit unsure, before as friends I would literally lounge across your bed and wear your hoodie and drink all your tea. So I'll try and ease back into that, not that fast because it could be awkward. I'm also sorry it happened so publicly, everyone knows, literally. I know you're a more private kind of guy, I'm also sorry you felt like everyone sided up against you. You know I would never condone that.
I don't know when you'll read this, but I guess I want to say, like a mantra, I'm the best bitch you'll ever meet!
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