So I haven't blogged in a while, I've been preoccupied emotionally and well it showed in my writing, and my blog is about being happy or kawaii, and well my life I guess. I didn't want to appear as a girl with a million minimal problems, because I realise that there are people out there with worse things to deal with, I'm fortunate enough not to have to worry about debts and loans, I don't cry myself to sleep. To most, my life is pretty easy, I live in a country that tries to be fair and just, I come from two very loving parents and I'm surrounded by people who do care about me.
I suppose that's my big problem, my friends. You see I care very much, if any of my friends are having problems, their problems become my problems. I've told you before, most people use me as a emotional bin, they put their problems onto me and then they feel better. You guys will know that I have no problem with this, if this is the best way I can help them, then that's what I'll do.
Here at Uni I am very close with one girl, for the sake of privacy I'll call her Grace, to most she is this beautiful, cheerful girl who is so lovely to everyone, but realistically she's still that beautiful girl with a warm heart, but she isn't happy. She's faced many issues, that I wont name, but needless to say no one knows just how bad it is. I would worry constantly, always afraid for her well being, she wouldn't really speak to anyone about her problems, it scared me. You might say that it wasn't my problem, that I should just let her get on with it, but I can't, I love her, seriously I adore this girl, she's one of my best friends, how can I leave her to endure all her problems alone.
After losing Alice I particularly began to worry about any of my friends who showed any signs of depression, my Alice Alarms rang, I began to think it was my job to protect them, just as I tried to protect her. Grace started to appear more and more like Alice and my fears started to increase, enough that I would randomly start crying.
But she slowly started to get better, and I was happy, SHE was happy. Everything was great!
For about two days.
Then my best friend from home broke up with her boyfriend. Do you have any idea how painful it is to stay awake with your best friend, who used to live 15 minutes away from you, but now a whole 45 miles tears you apart, until 5am just listening to her sob, to hear the pain shroud her voice. I cried with her, she's quite vulnerable, she needs love and protection or she'll feel weak and alone. That doesn't mean she is weak, it means she just needs extra TLC. This is the same girl I told you about where she was previously in a toxic relationship that she refused to get out of for a year, even though she would call me every night crying over him. She told me that she started to self harm with a lighter, burning the flesh off her forearms, she was put on anti-depressants 3 weeks prior. Again, Alice alarms start ringing in my mind, This friend has always particularly scared me to be most like Alice. But I have to stay strong, for myself and for her. She's breaking apart and I can't even hug her. I have to entrust her upon people I don't even know, Heck, I don't even know if these people exist. Since she went to university, all I have heard about is her boyfriend. All I can do is call her every night and give her my netflix password.Most people don't understand why I concern myself with problems that aren't my own. Most people commend me on being a good friend. But personally that's what I believe being a friend entails. To listen to their problems, to love and cherish them, so they know they are wanted, that they are loved.
Even in death Alice still manages to teach me life lessons, the feelings I used to get in my gut that warned me when something was wrong with her have stopped with her last breath, but her image will continue on. She is there helping my friends, through her memory. Our friendship will continue on, in her short existence, caring for her at her lowest states, has taught me what it is to be a good friend, to be a good person. She is completely the reason why I am who I am. Her Alice Alarms ring when I am needed.
I wrote a blog in the past about what Alice taught me about life specifically,you can read it here: http://lisarayecollins.blogspot.co.uk/2014/11/alice-lessons.html
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